Ensign Redshirt: Seven AM

Tony accused me of being a mole for Evil Spock just now. He’s stressed about that train crash. I think his grandmother was on it. I don’t blame him for suspecting me. It’s only human nature.

Humanity is overrated. I’m not sure why those Cylons are so obsessive over it all. Sci Fi is littered with similar fish-out-of-water characters, all trying to find their humanity, as it it were a cosmic G-spot. Here’s some logic for you: Homo sapien is Latin for “wise man” and everyone knows men don’t have G-spots. Defense rests.

Humans came out of Africa some 200,000 years ago and have since spread to infect every continent, including that really cold one no one talks about. There are over 6.5 billion of us now, and we’re still under the delusion that each of us is “special.” That’s because approximately 2 billion of all humans are mothers who keep telling us we are. Scientists say that it is our opposing thumbs that set us apes apart from other creatures, but really its our ability to communicate our self-worth to each other.

Individually, we don’t last long. I’m practically at the median age already, although in developing worlds the median age is a high school basketball player. Life expectancy in Hong Kong is 79-84 years old, which is more than twice what it is in AIDS-ravaged Swaziland. There, life expectancy is just 31 years, not far from the approximate career ceiling for attractive young actresses in Hollywood. Best case scenario for a human is to clear 120 and have run out of social security three decades ago.

Oooh. Looks like I’m up for some field work. We’re putting on a sting in 20, to capture one of the Vulcan’s flunkies. I hope our target (yeah, I’m talking about you, Saunders) isn’t subscribing to the RSS feed. If so, ignore this post.

Transmission ended.