Ensign Redshirt: Three AM

If you see my new supervisor, George, don’t tell him what I’m doing. Just a couple hours on the job, and he’s pressuring Jamie and Nina to rat me out already. I’m a little worried about Nina, actually. She’s hot, but a loon. Chappelle’s already pissed that I killed that guy about that thing, but then this other thing came up and he cut me some slack. “Trust me,” I said. He did.

There’s a lighter side to this manhunt, you know. Bennie in marketing has a birthday (woot to Bernie!) and we got him one of those on-the-day-you-were-born cards. Of course, his birthday was July 31, but we’re pretty sure he’s sick with Ebola, so we thought we’d give it to him early.

START and Bennie being born weren’t the only important things happening on July 31. In 1981, the major league baseball strike ended after 42 days, returning soccer to that thing foreign people do. The Shadow debuted on radio in 1930. Who knew? In 1703, author Daniel Defoe—who wrote Robinson Crusoe—got pelted with flowers while in a pillory, his punishment for publishing political satire. A post-Moonstruck, pre-Ghost Rider Nick Cage got a start on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in ’98, just 47 years after his peer, Barry Van Dyke, was born. Yes, that Barry Van Dyke.

I think there’s a bug going around the office. Bennie’s friend with benefits, Nancy in accounting, just started coughing blood. I hope she’s taking her Sudafed.

Transmission ended.