Lt. Moreau: We Still Suck at Science: Let’s Blame Chicks & Hippies

America is a land of plenty. Plenty of SUVs. Plenty of shopping malls. Plenty of Twinkies! According to a recent report, however, one thing there is NOT plenty of is scientific literacy.

Luckily, Americans suck a little less at science than we did 20 years ago. The researchers found that 28% of Americans understood enough about science to understand reports in major newspapers, as opposed to only 10% of scientifically literate Americans in 1988. I find it disappointing that the researchers overlooked a significant fact: 28% of Americans knew that newspapers even have scientific reports (that may, however, be due to the fact that the science section in many newspapers is right in front of the comics).

The bad news is, Americans still suck at science. Saying that we don’t suck quite as much is like totaling your car and then having your mechanic say, “Cheer up! Your emergency brake is still in great shape!”

But we’re not just dumb, we’re silly. The report goes on to say that an increasing number of Americans are viewing what researchers label “pseudoscience,” as legitimate scientific concepts. Things like horoscopes and alien abductions. And you know whose fault it is that apparently the “National Enquirer” has as much credibility as our freshman biology text? You guessed it: GIRLS. In fact, “female” is negatively correlated with science literacy. Take THAT, Gloria Steinem!

Also on science’s fecal scroll: religious fundamentalists, who typically reject evolution in favor of creationism, and old people, for no stated reason other than the fact that old people make awesome scapegoats because they can’t hear you when you blame stuff on them, and they can’t see you well enough to hit you.

So in a burst of scientific problem-solving, we know what the issue is, so how do we fix it? This leads to my four-point plan to increase America’s scientific competitive edge (MFPPTIASCE for short):

1. Since eliminating women altogether is really inconvenient and could pose long-term problems much bigger than scientific literacy, we need to find new ways of presenting science in our classrooms, in a way that appeals to them. Like Hollywood gossip. Compare these methods of teaching basic astronomy:

Old way: “Our solar system has 9 planets. They orbit the sun. Occasionally, Pluto and Neptune will change orbit paths.”

New way: “Picture the solar system as Hollywood, and the sun as celebrity hotspot Hyde. There are planets that hang around the sun, just like the same celebrities who always hang out at Hyde. There are Mercury (Lindsay Lohan), Venus (Paris Hilton), Earth (Mischa Barton), Mars (Brandon Davis), Jupiter (Britney Spears), Saturn (Jessica Simpson), Uranus (Scarlett Johansson), Neptune (Beyonce), and Pluto (Sienna Miller). And sometimes, when they’re drunk, they cross each others’ paths and nasty catfights ensue!”

2. Ship the hippies off to China to slow down their production rates. Hippies are famously unproductive. Plus, they’ll dig the communism thing.

3. Send the fundamentalists to Canada. Trust me, no one will figure it out, because no one pays attention to what goes on in Canada anyway.

4. Give the elderly one-way trips to Japan. The food is healthier, and at least they’ll be well cared for by robot nurses. Besides, if we don’t keep the Japanese busy, they will take over the world with all of that brain power and work ethic and whatnot. I've already prepared for the Chinese takeover, I'll be damned if I have to learn Japanese too.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses for processing .

You see, Dr. Miller, Americans may not be so hot at science, but when it comes to cheating, we’re aces.

Lt. Moreau signing off!